Trying to find my place in the world has always been hard, and to this point, at 31, i've yet to feel like i have even gotten close. This isn't to trivial a task for others either, as i believe it CAN be hard for everyone to a degree, but being on the spectrum presents a host of challenges that often times i simply CANNOT explain adequately enough to others.
It's not uncommon for those with ASD to occasionally have a gift, or perhaps more than one. One of the odd little quirks of our differently-abled-ness is over-development in some parts of the brain yielding usual skill in one thing or another. This does not occur in all those affected, but when it does it is generally identified as a savant trait. I believe the most common pop culture reference to this was in Rainman, wherein dustin hoffmans character demonstrated extremely unusual acumen with all things mathematical.
Having had more iq tests, personality tests, and various ADHD tests, wasies, mullers, ravens, etc. then most any neurotypical person, i'd been told i had usually high iq scores, and a gift with language.
I come from a poor family, grew up with a single mom largely on welfare. Had life threatening asthma and all the social perils that growing up with ASD provides. I did poorly in school, as most affected do, with the sole exceptions being creative writing, English and anything related to computers. (i was taking apart and repairing apple 2 computers in the 3rd grade.) This is just to give you a little context. I never had special education or attention given to me, most of my schooling occurred before aspergers was even really diagnosed, and being poor and going to school in an impoverished area, there was no budget for me even if they had known. The best they could do, was some of my teachers would spend some out of pocket money to buy me extra books to read, as i was flying through the material i was given. During RIF *reading is fundemental* events, teachers would allow me to pick more books then the other kids, and some teachers would give me THEIR picks as well, which was something i was truly excited for as a kid. I read all the mythology books i could, books about dinosaurs and all the differences in breeds of dogs. But my real skill came from how i seemed to effortlessly metabolize language.
I to this day, find myself using words i don't even remember learning. Often times i will even look then up afterwards just to make sure they mean what i think they mean. Apart from one miss (The word, halcyonic) I'm spot on.
This has been an endless source of irritation for me, for the entirety of my life.
Some people have heard of kids with aspegers referred to as "Little professors" due to this abnormal verbosity, and i was no exception. My mother claims i started speaking at 9 months. When i, as an adult said "why didn't you think something was wrong with that if other children were not talking until 3 or older?"
She said "I just thought you were smart!" Smart, well, sort of, different, most assuredly.
I starting writing in the 3rd grade, and even HAVE that first journal. I have written ever since. I wrote one of the hallmark things that all aspies seem to feel and have that proof from my youth.
"I feel like an alien who learned human speech."
Turns out, i was right decades before i would know why.
Struggling with this reality, speaking a different language to everyone else, has done horrible things to my self esteem, my confidence, my ability to be proud of myself for who i am, and i'm sure been plenty unpleasant for those whom i've dealt with as well.
Everyone accusing me of being condescending all the damn time. Macho guys telling me i "Talk like a faggot." people staring at me after i spoke with an weird lifeless leer, dead eyed and baffled. Imagine the oddity of being dropped in the middle of any foreign country with just english at your disposal, and you have a fair representation of what it feels like. Now rarify that language, shrink the numbers to a fraction of 1% of the population at large, and THOSE are the people who can understand my native tongue, and whom i can understand.
The tides may be turning, and we may have more supporters for ASD now then ever before, but they are still a fraction of the world, and still in most cases, sadly, cannot communicate well with us, even if they are genuine, and completely sincere.
For everyone else, they think i'm a show-off or an arrogant asshole the second i open my mouth. I'm a know-it-all, a smart-alex. OR,
They think it's a gift. An amazing gift. I've heard equally as many times, "You sound so SMART! I wish i could talk like that." Therein lies the problem. I DO sound smart. I consider my ability a mild savantism. but if you had a person with math savantism or music savantism or could juggle anything in the room, or an eidetic memory, would you think that person was "OK"? Normal? Perfectly able to do all the things that other NORMAL people do?
Now what if that person had unexplainable eloquence and expressiveness through language?
They assume i'm just a REALLY SMART normal person. I should be able to do EVERYTHING they can. Hell, i should be able to do EVERYTHING BETTER! "If your that smart, it must be easy right?" "Geez if your so smart i bet it would be easy to be rich!"
Ableism. Because of how i present, it's my constant companion. But i haven't lived alone for more then a week in my entire life. I cannot drive a car. I get lost walking less then a mile from my home. I have been unable to maintain employment due to constant and inevitable social problems. Even though i completed 6 years of college and have degrees on my wall, i have never had the chance to get a job in the field of my education because i always fail the interview. It takes me 50 interviews just to get a minimum wage job because everyone tells me i'm "overqualified."
What a complimentary way to tell someone to fuck off.
And when i get that job, it takes a week for everyone i work with to despise me. I have difficulty doing so many of the things that neurotypicals take for granted, and yet it is likely i never qualify for any manner of disability due to my verbal savantism making me appear "Competent" in a way that i cannot live up too.
So if no one wants me as i am, and no ones buys me faking as a neurotypical (when i used to try) what kind of life do i have to look forward too?
Maybe when it comes to life, i'm just "Overqualified."
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