The testing process, Following the finding-a-doctor-and-money-and-insurance-and-someone-who-would-even attempt-to-diagnosis-a-30-year-old was lengthy, though shorter then the former. This process as of now, has been at least a year, if not 14 months or longer, to get to this point, and that illustrates an incredible problem for those who are affected, isolating fundamental flaws in the architecture of modern health care and Autism diagnosis, but that is a different post altogether.
Only a day ago, did i finally get the absolute last nail in the just barely proverbial coffin.
Yesterday punctuated yet another round of psychological testing, intelligence testing, and various other paperwork looking for markers of my condition. I don't take anyone's word for anything, so i took it upon myself to seek out a differential diagnosis. I had the best practices diagnostic manual for autism in it's most current iteration sent to my apt in it's entirety from the governing state body (Dept of mental health) and it suggested a person of my age invalidates most convention testing, leaving the best course of action to be a comparative approach utilizing multiple doctors and diagnostic measurements. State medicaid doesn't exactly cover that manner of thing, but the loopholes allowed for me to achieve as close to it as i could hope for with such limited resources.
Doctor 1 was a psychologist with 20 years of experience and 3 autistic children herself. While i feared bias, i also recognized that she has more experience witnessing behaviors and symptoms then most anyone i'd ever heard of, so i valued her opinion. She was the first to complete the process, and the one whom initially confirmed me as ASD (aspergers syndrome)
I suppose before that there was the informal evaluation i had from the state to find out if i was eligible for state insurance under a disability diagnosis.. Which confirmed i was eligible for free insurance under disability status, but did not confirm to me personally, WHAT that status was, so that may actually be the FIRST, though it may be something else.... no idea what.
Doctor 2, was more methodical then the first, approaching it first as a clinical psychologist, with a battery of tests, information taken from someone who knows me (rachel) self reporting, iq tests, mortality tests, attention tests, focus tests, motor skill tests, and on and on. My iq tests came out higher then those they compared against (8th grade tests retrieved from old school records) my comparative test of self reporting (i filled out and same questions then filled out ABOUT me by rachel) were relatively similar in curve, however i reported all the effects on myself at 2 to 3 grades higher of intensity then rachel reported while observing me. That seems quite sensible. My experience being more immediate and visceral then a bystanders.
I demonstrated some overlapping symptoms of ADHD (reported restlessness, both self reported, test indicated, and observed) however it is odd in how it manifests based on test data. It appears i have a great deal of physical restlessness (i am figdety and very often uncomfortable) but great visual attention (and ability to process data sets rapidly switching without being confused, with counter indicates ADD or ADHD (the doctor finds this fascinating.) While taking a test that measures attention via sound in concert with visual, my visual performance dominates by a margin of 70 visual 55 auditory, however isolated the scores are similar. This indicates something i had often remarked, that i feel as if ALL my senses are set too high, and if multiple channels of strong stimulus try to force there way in, one input channel may narrow or shut altogether. A great deal of "panic attack" states (states of extreme pain of discomfort) often immediately manifest in situations where this is unavoidable.
This may indicate that, far from ADHD as thought by doctors for my entire life, that rather then being "spacy" as the doctor said or having the problem of daydreaming of inability to focus, i am simply RIPPED away from a primary task if a powerful external stimulus hijacks my attention. A very odd development indeed. I may have a future as a test subject. Which i suppose is the only future i could have imagined for myself years ago without scoffing.
"Yep. That's more likely then me getting married or finding jesus. I'd believe it."
So doctor 2, ultimately ALSO diagnosed me as having Asperger's Syndrome, achieving my initial goal of double (possibly triple) verifying my condition to assure MYSELF first, that i was not attempting to make excuses for myself, and that rather, this is real, scientifically verifiable, and the truth of things in a way that i am isolated from as a variable.
No bias. No mistake. No self. diagnosis. No bullshit. Goddammit i said it when i was a boisterous teenager and i'll say it now.
"I am the truth."
There is no need to revisit this question and add to my own cortisol and personal anxiety, i just need to go through the stages of grief and get to the end. There is no way around this, or through it, it is, terminal, chronic, unavoidable. All i can do is make peace with it, embrace my original, intuitive model of coping which is, to outlast, to endure, to be made of tougher stuff then everyone else so i can survive this uneven weight that i am forever saddled with.
I am the truth. That is to say, i am myself. I am who i say i am. I am what i have always advertised myself to be. I have never lied about it. I have occasionally overstated myself, as dramatic lisence and the heart of a poet is want to do, but i am genuine.
I am sincere. If that remains to be a thorn in the paw of the everyone i encounter in the world forever, then it must be. There is simply no other path for me.
I should feel freed. one road completely erased. No more perilous fork to ponder. No more time to stand motionless, enrapturing the self in paralysis by analysis. There is only one way to go now. And it's just as i always suspected. Just as i'd FEARED. Now it's just me, walking forward for all time, like the living dead. Imbued with strength of motion, but devoid of purpose, able to shamble on long after the head and heart are rotted through.
Without a house to save for, without a future to hope for, without some feeble dream of a wife and children to sustain my present,
without all the mooring that keep things such as us living.
The 2nd doctor remarked that some of tested revealed a sense of profound hopelessness, and suggested to screen for suicidal ideation. BUT, she remarked "I just don't see that in you."
The paper has no emotions, the human, does.
Something inside me, both sad and petulant smiles.
The paper was right.
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