Terms Of Service.

Hello again.   In exploring my own history armed with this new knowledge about myself, i am able to reexamine parts of my life with a greater degree of clarity, to understand the why behind so much of what i am.

One of these traits i developed seemed most apparent from my teenage years about 16-17 onwards.  I had already run the gamut of a decade plus of school. Observed and written about human behavior from my vantage point in the back of the classroom for years.   I knew the patterns and plays by now. I knew what to expect, how people by and large responded to me, all of that. I didn't know WHY exactly people responded to me as they did, i just knew that overwhelmingly, when someone asked me a question, they would not like my answer, and become hostile.  My friendships often had very short shelf life and i was keen to craft some manner of solution to this problem.

I started offering a T.O.S. agreement.

Verbally of course. Though, i have recently met another person with ASD who had said they wrote up an actual "manual of operation" in the style of an automobile manual entitled "The care and maintenance of (name omitted)

You know what a T.O.S. is right? Virtually every time you try to do anything on the internet, sign any contract,  or load a new program, you get hit with the wall of text and the little "Click here to agree" sort of thing right?

Well it was exactly that. I didn't REALIZE it was that, at the time, but hindsight can be quite (painful? miserable? Unpleasant?)  ILLUMINATING. Right that's the proper word.

When someone would ask me a delicate question, or a serious one that was personal, and often times when meeting someone new, or when someone expressed sexual interest in me (pursuant to forming a relationship) i would roll out the terms of service.  I would explain that i was a difficult person, and that the things i tell you and show you cannot un-see or un-hear.  The things that i say to you will always be honest, and they may make you angry, or depressed or self conscious or even suicidal.   I would explain that exposure to me is like exposure to radiation. That i proved toxic, and would inevitably poison you in ways i could not be held responsible for.

Unfortunately, many people did, as you and many people still do.

You skipped past the wall of text and just clicked "I agree."

Naturally this created a huge problem for me.  I was trying to indemnify myself against the anger leveled at me so often, by offering a bright blinking warning sign, but people blithely ignored it thinking, "He can't be SERIOUS." Or thinking "I can handle it. I'll be fine." Only to be a defensive, hostile, blubbering mess a day later screaming "WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU? WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!"

Don't say i didn't warn you.

I did. I tried my damndest to break the chain of events that always seemed to lead to people being angry at me.   But my sincere TOS agreement ended up being seductive. The challenge was an attractant. It was charming and beguiling.  I endeavored for it to be a serious and useful tool in protecting both myself, and others from the fallout that seemed to follow my interactions, but it failed, time and time again.

I kept doing it of course. An aspie trademark, the inability to course correct in a timely manner.

Trying my best still, in the here and now.  To exist in the world that DOES NOT want me, i tried to create a coping strategy to smooth the edges between me, and everyone else.   I spent the next 10-15 years, all the time up until  and including now, losing friends, alienating people, hating myself for it, and still, the only cold comfort i had at the end of the days as i sat alone in this place was:

Well. I warned you.